This year I'm making a time capsule.  It's been a hellish year.  But that doesn't mean it all has to be bad memories.  In 10 years when I open it I'll get to look through the things that meant something to me in 2010.  So far I have...

{plenty of pictures}
{my journal}

{a recipe for my current favorite food}

{a favorite book of the last year}  

{a movie that meant something in particular to me} 

{a few cd's with music that really affected me this year}

 

I'll be adding more things to the time capsule because it won't be sealed until New Years Eve.

What would you put in yours?

"This is my perfect nightmare so when will I wake up and scream?"

Two little treasures for you.

Summer babies.

And love.

This week has been overwhelming. I've experienced a very wide range of emotions that I don't think I've ever been equipped to deal with... that most people aren't equipped to deal with. If I started to list everything that was this week I wouldn't be able to get through it without crying. And I hate crying. So instead I'm going to take a moment to say thank you.

Thank you to all of my friends and family who have been here to support me through this past year. I wouldn't have made it through by myself and every one of you to some degree or another has been here to help me through everything life has given me.

Thank you to the men and women who 9 years ago today handled the tragedy that has forever left it's mark on us. I will never forget.

And thank you to the men and women who continue to fight for us today. 9 years. And it's not over. Our soldiers are still fighting.

Thank you. Just thank you.

I've had some complicated thoughts lately. I think it started because all summer I've thought to myself "This time last summer my life was so different." And then one day not very long ago I realized that wasn't true. This time last summer was when everything changed. What a scary thought that was for me. It's been a year. Of course at the time I didn't see it changing but hindsight is 20/20 and I can see it very clearly now.

I'm afraid to sleep. When I'm awake I can control what I think about. The horrible things in my past can be pushed to the back of my brain. When I'm asleep I lose any degree of control I tricked myself into thinking I had during the day. All the feelings of hopelessness, of fear, of anger, of betrayal and of never being good enough come out in my dreams. Sleep is utterly terrifying to me.

Someone in my dreams asked me this: If you could see the consequences of your actions clearly would you make different choices? If I knew that three years down the road my husband would shatter my heart would I have gotten married? Dreams are terrifying. Often times they ask me the things I don't have the courage to think when I'm awake.

The way my life has changed so drastically has given me one more thing to contemplate. If the last 5 years of my life have been this... what will the next 5 years bring me? Some days I'm afraid to find the answer.